It’s strange, this feeling of my child drifting away. She’s thirteen and seems so much like an adult these days. Her interests are changing and are so vastly different from my own. She is doing what she is meant to do – grow up and be her own person. And yet, it feels strange to me. Where did she get this interest in fashion when all I wear is jeans? Why does she like make-up when the most I wear is mascara or some lip color? How can she spend so much time shopping, both online and in-store, when my threshold is about 20 minutes? I feel a little ache, like, is she rejecting me and what I am about? Will she come back to loving camping and going out for ice cream? She spends more time in her room, with her friends, on her phone, or babysitting other people’s children than she ever has. She is growing up.
She was always the type of kid who was nervous at the playground, not wanting to reach out to make a new friend. When we enrolled her in a dance or gymnastics class, she would refuse to go unless a close friend was there. Separations for preschool and early grade school were painful, tearful, and upsetting for all of us.
And now, at thirteen, she is doing her job, discovering and creating herself. She is extraordinary and inspires me regularly. When I was thirteen, I was not making schedules, checklists, and routines for myself! I didn’t have a bank account, a debit card, or a cell phone. I wasn’t staying up until every single algebra problem was complete and correct. I wasn’t offering to cook Sunday supper for my family with gourmet vegetarian recipes! I know that giving her the freedom to explore her interests and identity is my job. It doesn’t mean there aren’t pangs of sadness that well up. There are times I have to bite my tongue when I want to push back on her desire to wear makeup or crop tops. The tug of wanting her to want me around surfaces when she’d rather be with friends or alone. And my job is to let her go, not completely yet, but just enough.
And then I recall recent moments when she was plunging into the waves at the beach, unselfconscious and full of joy. Just last week she helped her younger brother create an amusement park with blocks, Hotwheels tracks, and legos. And she still wants me to come in before bed to say goodnight and give her a squeeze.
She is teetering between childhood and adulthood and will be for a few more years. Her job is to explore, make mistakes, and experiment. My job is to be there for her when she’s confused, upset, or celebrating something she’s excited about. My job is to let go and be ready.
Those earlier times in her childhood when she was demanding, strong-willed, and emotional were tough. There were times I wanted her to just listen and do what I said! One thing that helped me not overpower her during those times was imagining the kind of relationship I wanted to have with her when she was a teen. I imagined her being bigger, stronger, and the stakes being higher. My insight then was to cultivate a relationship of mutual respect, one where I could respect her autonomy while honoring my own needs and boundaries. These teens years are bringing about a new chapter, testing both her voice and my own. I still hold this same vision, that we can both be who we are fully.
Do you want to chat about the challenges and surprises of parenting a young teen? Reach out to schedule a session with me here. Also, find out when the next group for teens and tweens is scheduled here. If your teen is struggling, reach out to the team at Virginia Family Therapy for a consultation.
Recent Comments