I have never been a parent that likes arbitrary limits, like “no ear piercing until 12 years old” or “cell phone when you turn 13”. That just doesn’t work for me because I wonder, where do those ages come from? How can I explain that to my child?
Recently I had the opportunity to think about limits in relation to spontaneous requests. That is “Mom, can —- come over?” Or “would you drive me to —-?” At first, I noticed I was feeling irritated with some requests but not all. Irritation is always a good clue about the need to set limits.
What I looked for when determining my limit was “under what conditions do I feel fine about spontaneous requests?” For me, I determined that I’m more likely to say yes if 1) I am not being asked to host 2) I don’t have to drive more than 10 minutes, and 3) I don’t have to arrange anything. I was tempted in this situation to make an arbitrary limit – “No spontaneous requests! If you want a get-together or for me to drive you anywhere, you just give me 24 hours’ notice”. However, through taking a moment to notice my feeling of irritation, I did see when spontaneous requests do work for me and when they do not. I shared this with my children. Although they didn’t completely understand my boundary or agree with me, they accepted my limit and we now have a deeper understanding and agreement about spontaneous requests.
You can put in your own parenting issue that you feel is causing some irritation. Areas where limits often need to be set include:
- Screen time
- Chores
- Bedtime or mealtime
- Transportation
- Borrowing items
In what areas might you want to set a limit?
Steps for Setting Limits
- Step 1: Notice your feeling. Often it is irritated, unappreciated, or overburdened. Check out the feeling in your body.
- Step 2: Reflect. What am I OK with? What am I willing to do? Under what conditions do I feel fine about _____?
- Step 3: Share. Let your child (or other family members) know what works for you and does not work for you. Use I Statements and avoid blame.
I’d love to hear from you! Contact me to share what you noticed about setting limits. Want to learn more about setting limits? Redirecting Children’s Behavior Course covers limit-setting, natural & logical consequences, power struggles, and tons more. Also – watch me via Facebook Live if you prefer listening versus reading.
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